


Not Going to Hide

by westernsunset



Category: Tortall - Tamora Pierce
Genre: But with a happy ending, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-26 06:51:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12551624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westernsunset/pseuds/westernsunset
Summary: The tall Yamani made no sound as he crept quickly on through the silent palace. An hour or so after the last bell, he wasn’t surprised to see no one about, but he moved quietly just in case, grateful for the cloth shoes he always wore for muffling his footsteps even farther. More often than not this winter, Hakuin Seastone made the long trek from his rooms near the page’s wing to the suite of rooms held by the Knight Commander of the King’s Own.If Hakuin had his way, he wouldn’t sneak unseen to his lover’s rooms in the cover of nightfall. In the Yamani Islands where he was raised, men sometimes took other men as lovers. Even some respected warriors of the Islands had shared their beds with other men on occasion. Hakuin had lost some of his Yamani ways after nearly a lifetime in Maren and Tortall, training with the Shang and roaming around, but he still felt his relationships were nothing to hide, even if they did take place exclusively with other men.





	Not Going to Hide

The tall Yamani made no sound as he crept quickly on through the silent palace. An hour or so after the last bell, he wasn’t surprised to see no one about, but he moved quietly just in case, grateful for the cloth shoes he always wore for muffling his footsteps even farther. More often than not this winter, Hakuin Seastone made the long trek from his rooms near the page’s wing to the suite of rooms held by the Knight Commander of the King’s Own.

If Hakuin had his way, he wouldn’t sneak unseen to his lover’s rooms in the cover of nightfall. In the Yamani Islands where he was raised, men sometimes took other men as lovers. Even some respected warriors of the Islands had shared their beds with other men on occasion. Hakuin had lost some of his Yamani ways after nearly a lifetime in Maren and Tortall, training with the Shang and roaming around, but he still felt his relationships were nothing to hide, even if they did take place exclusively with other men.

Of course, Hakuin wasn’t an idiot. He knew Tortall was different from the Islands. Living with the Shang had sheltered him some, for one, there was never any time to take a lover while he was still in training, and because he had joined the Shang at five years old, the men and women he trained with were more like family than anything else. But after he passed his Ordeal of Shang, and started to live his life on the road, he quickly realized that to be free with his affections was to invite trouble. In his first months of traveling, the majority of his fights were not defending those who could not defend himself, but protecting his own skin from the groups of men who thought that his feelings gave them license to attack.

As much as Hakuin understood that he had to visit his companion at night, he still resented every time he made the long walk to his chambers. Lord Raoul of Goldenlake and Malorie’s Peak, Knight Commander of the King’s Own had offered to come to Hakuin’s rooms, but for obvious reasons, Hakuin thought he would attract less notice and court gossip.

Once at Raoul’s door, the Shang Warrior knocked twice softly, followed by another, slightly louder knock. They didn’t really have the need for a secret knock, but one could never be too careful. Raoul opened the door quietly, letting the tall man in.

Any annoyance Hakuin felt about the added secrecy evaporated when the door closed and he could put his arms around Raoul. The knight kissed him warmly, wrapping his arms around Hakuin. It had been over a month since they had seen each other, with Raoul out on business with the Own. Third Company had come back today, and Hakuin was glad to see Raoul. He hadn’t realized until now how much he missed him.

Hakuin liked the moments after best. When him and Raoul lay in each other’s arms, fingers caressing warm skin. Sometimes they just slept, but sometimes, like tonight, they talked. Hakuin thought this sleepy in-between time was the best moment to bring up some of his frustration, to see if his lover was receptive to them.

“I don’t like that everything with us has to be so secret,” said Hakuin calmly. “No one would even think to let me know if you died.”

Raoul looked troubled. “I would...I don’t expect to--”

“You trust so few people, I don’t even believe you’ve told anyone about me.”

Raoul sighed. “You’re right. Even those who know don’t know about you, but--”

“Can’t you imagine how that feels?” Hakuin said. “I know you have your reasons, but you have to acknowledge how that hurts me.”

Hakuin bit his lip while Raoul took a deep breath. Whether he was biding his time or controlling his temper, Hakuin didn’t know, but he let the knight gather himself in peace.

“You’re right,” Raoul finally said. “I’m not being fair to you or my friends.”

Hakuin was taken aback. He didn’t expect the knight to admit any wrongdoing, but Raoul was full of surprises. That much he had learned.

“But please, Hakuin, understand,” Raoul said, desperately. “I could lose everything if people found out.”

Hakiun put his arms around his lover. “I know, I’m not asking for anything big,” he said quietly. “It means a lot to me that you are trying to see where I’m coming from. I just wish…”

“You wish we were on the Islands so I didn’t have to hide you, I know,” Raoul said, into Hakuin’s chest.

That got a laugh out of Hakuin, both from Raoul’s weary manner and the rumbles in his chest when the larger man talked. “Someday dearest,” Hakuin said, kissing his lover’s head. “We can go visit when you’re done defending the realm you love so much.”

“I’ll try,” said Raoul, as he and Hakuin lay down again, his voice heavy with sleep. “I promise I’ll try to be more open.”

Hakuin smiled slightly, though he didn’t really believe Raoul. It had been several months, and Hakuin wasn’t going to get his hopes up, but he wasn’t going to break it off either, not when he so enjoyed sharing Raoul’s bed. They lay together in a half sleep until someone pounded hard on the door. Raoul sprang out of bed, and shot a pleading look at Hakuin. 

“I’m not going to hide, if that’s what you’re asking,” whispered Hakuin, annoyed again.

“Then just stay on that side of the room,” snapped Raoul, equally as quiet. He wrenched open the door to find Qasim, corporal in the Third Company.

“I’m sorry to disturb you my lord, but we’re being called away again,” said Qasim.

“Gods, can’t even get a night of rest,” grumbled Raoul. “Thank you Qasim, I’ll be in the stables shortly.”

“Very well, my lord,” said Qasim with a short bow. “And in the future sir, you’ll want to do a better job of hiding Master Seastone, he’s far too tall to be behind that wardrobe.”

Raoul whirled around to see the top of Hakuin’s head behind a chest of drawers. He sighed and turned back to Qasim. “As usual, I count on your discretion,” Raoul said with a small smile.

“As usual, I’m more than happy to comply,” said Qasim, smiling as he took his leave of the men.

Raoul closed the door, and Hakuin stepped sheepishly out from the behind the wardrobe, worried he had just inadvertently ruined Raoul’s life. Seeing the worry on Hakuin’s face, Raoul laughed. “Don’t worry about Qasim. There’s a reason he’s the one who comes to rouse me when Third Company needs to move.”

“Ah. I wish you didn’t have to go so soon,” said Hakuin, trying his best not to sound too put-upon.

“I know,” said Raoul, taking Hakuin’s hands in his and kissing his cheek. “I wish we had more time together.”

Hakuin sighed and kissed the bigger man, then let him dress and pack. Hakuin dressed as well, figuring he may as well make the trek back to the Pages wing.

“Why…” Raoul trailed off, clearly building up the courage to ask Hakuin something. Hakuin regarded him patiently, the way he did with young pages who were struggling to remember what he taught them.

“Why don’t you come down with me? See me off, you know?” Raoul’s cheeks turned deep red that Hakuin only saw when he was embarrassed. “I mean you couldn’t kiss me, or anything, don’t get ideas like that…”

Hakuin cut his lover off with a warm kiss. “I’d be happy to walk you down and say goodbye,” he said with a huge smile. “And I won’t embarrass you. Promise!”

Raoul rolled his eyes, and with shaking hands, collected the rest of his belongings. Hakuin knew that almost 40 years of hiding, secrets, shame and lies had done a number on the man he loved. Hakuin couldn’t imagine how Raoul must feel, how he had gone through life. The world hadn’t always been kind to Hakuin, but in moments like this, he thanked his Yamani gods that he never internalized what the world tried to tell him. He could tell Raoul hadn’t been so lucky.

They walked down to the Owns stables together, not saying anything. Subconsciously, they put distance between them, losing all the small intimacies they had behind closed doors. Raoul’s hands weren’t shaking anymore but Hakuin could guess his heart was beating too fast. 

At the stables, Hakuin faded into the background while Raoul talked with some of his corporals, and ensured his horse was properly saddled. No one noticed the Shang Master slinking around the background, another skill Hakuin picked up in his years with the Shang. When it was clear they were about to mount up and ride off, Hakuin found Raoul again.

“Ride safely,” Hakuin said, as one friend may say to another.

“Thank you,” said Raoul, holding Hakuin’s eyes. Hakuin could see relief. Whether it was a thankfulness that he had the chance to say goodbye to Seastone, or comfort that no one seemed to notice his companion, Raoul was happier than he was when they walked down.

Slowly, Raoul reached out a hand to Hakuin. With a small smile, Hakuin grasped it in a warm handshake. The men parted without saying anything else, and Raoul mounted up, ready to lead the Own out.

As Hakuin got out of the way, he saw Qasim. The Bazhir man smiled, and gave him a wink. Hakuin stifled a laugh. He walked back to his rooms feeling better than he had in weeks. Raoul wasn’t as solid and inflexible as he seemed when he tilted, and Hakuin found that he had friends in the Own that he wasn’t even aware of. It was probably never going to be easy to share a bed with the Knight Commander of the King’s Own, but it wasn’t going to be as exhausting as it seemed earlier that night.


End file.
